Can't sleep (March 25, 2023)

 Can't sleep.  Sometimes I get trapped in an existential quagmire. This might be summarized by "I think too much". Because I get this sickening sensation of fear in my gut that life really has no meaning and when we die we are really gone, not just in body but in spirit or soul as well. Here's the thing: If we are the soul - that spark of life...

But why the impulse to analyze? It doesn't change what is or is not to know why or why not. To accept that you don't know and accept some principals that make living more meaningful or at least less stressful make it possible to sleep. To act on faith helps preserve sanity.

Another part of it, just trying to think outside of English. Outside of language at all.  Which gospel begins with "In the beginning there was the word and the word was with God, and the word was God"? How was/is that translated? We have concepts and we have words. The words join and separate us. Language defines us. The written word provides our history which puts our lives in context. In context our lives have meaning. We have a place and a story of how we came to be in that place. Oral history provides the essential bones of our larger, global history.

When I worry about consciousness and how it might end when I die - isn't it the death of "I" that frightens me? Yet the goal of Buddhism is cosmic consciousness - joining the universal energy web in mind. Having felt that universal energy stream (albeit high on sex and/or LSD) gives one faith that it exists.

Best compared to music - to the feeling of being "in the zone" when there is no thought - only the interweaving of the sound and you have no consciousness of the body making those sounds.

I'm going back to bed. I think I can sleep now.

 

Exercise with Sara and Smudge

 Smudge is our new kitten. The exercise program is one I've been doing for over fifteen years now, allowing me to claim to be in better shape in my late seventies than I was in my early sixties. For the past month Smudge has been "helping" me with my exercise, which makes it more fun, but also a bit more hazardous. 

This program was introduced to me by the Cass County Purdue Extension through the Cass County Extension Homemakers advisor when that position was held by Penny Troutman. The program was known as Strong Women Stay Young.

The first exercise is chair squats. For this and all subsequent exercises, do two sets of ten reps.

The second exercise is standing leg lifts. 

The third exercise is seated leg lifts.

The fourth exercise is lateral leg raises.

The fifth exercise is seated lateral leg extensions.

The sixth exercise is bicep curls.

The seventh exercise is overhead lifts,

The eigth exercise is a modified butterfly.

The ninth exercise is wrist curls

The tenth exercise is standing wrist curls.

The eleventh exercise is overhead bicep curls.

The twelfth exercise is heel and toe calf stretches.

The cool down is a back and calf stretch, calf stretch, and stretches with arms back and then front.

The whole program takes about 30 minutes. 

Meaderings

 I came back to this blog today to post my mother's recipe for sourdough English muffins, which was a staple item for our family back when we lived on the Girl Scout camp at Belmont, near TC Steele State Memorial. My mind this morning is crowded with thoughts of a lifetime. It pingpongs back and forth. 

I journal a lot, not every day, but through the last 30 years or so. It will take hours, days, weeks, maybe even years, for someone to read through them, if they care to. And the trip through my mind is not always a pleasant one. 

But there are some bits and pieces that might be useful or meaningful?

It's asking too much for anyone to go through my journals.

When I was a teenager and counselors asked me what I planned to do with my education, or my life, I always answered: "I want to be a writer." What did I mean by that? 

Then I read somewhere that you could only write about what you knew, what you experienced.

And throughout my life I have always felt like no matter what I attempted to say, it had been said before, and better. My experiences were never interesting enough, or relevant enough to write about. 

But now I believe that writing is much like cooking. Each time you take the basic ingredients and process them through time and motion, spice them up with a unique selection of flavors, and subject them to the energies of the day (sign of the moon, temperature, humidity, level of human activity in the surroundings) the end product will be unique, sometimes mediocre, occasionally memorable.

The basic ingredients in my life: family, food, music, nature, textiles

The basic processes in my life: sorting, weaving, cooking, counting, analyzing

Helen Penny's Sourdough English Muffins

 Helen Penny's Sourdough English Muffins

1/2 C starter

2 3/4 C Flour

1 C Milk

1 T Sugar

3/4 t salt

1/2 t soda

3 T cornmeal

Mix starter, milk, and 2 C flour in large mixing bowl; cover and set at room temperture overnight. In the morning blend 1/2 C flour, sugar, salt, & soda; sprinkle over dough and mix thoroughly. Turn dough onto board with remaining flour. Knead 3-5 minutes until dough is no longer sticky. Roll to 1/2 inch thickness. Use a 3 inch cutter. Place muffins 1 inch apart oncookie sheet sprinkled with corn meal - sprinkle moe cornmeal on top. Cover and let rise 45 minutes to 1 hour.

Bake on lightly greased electric skillet at 275 degrees or in frying pan over medium heat for 8-10 minutes per side, turning once.

It is easy to pre-split these muffins with a fork. 

SOURDOUGH STARTER

Boil and mash 1 medium size potato. Add enough warm water to make 2 cups. Sprinkle 1 envelope (1T) yeast and 1 T sugar. Cover and leave at room temperature for 3 days. Store in refrigerator.

SOURDOUGH BISCUITS

1/2 C starter

1 C milk

2 1/2 C flour

1 T sugar

3/4 t sale

1 t baking powder

1/2 t soda

bacon fat or salad oil.

Mix starter, milke, and 1 C flour in large bowl; cover and let stand over night. Turn dough into 1 C flour on a bread board. Combine sugar, sale, baking powder and soda with remaining 1/2 c flour and sift over the top. Mix and knead lightly. Roll out to 1/2 inch thickness. Cut biscuits and dip each in warm brown fat or a mixture of oil and margerine. Place close together in a 9 inch square pan and let rise 30 minutes. Bake at 375 for 30 to 35 minutes.

Starter - Use once a week or replenish. Starter + 1 C milk and 1 C flour, mix and let set at room temperature until bubbling. Set in regrigerator.

Death and Facebook

Facebook reminds me today that it is my niece Sara's birthday. I don't remember off the top of my head the year she was born or the year she died. But like her presence on Facebook that remains, she is present in my life and in my mind. Most of all I remember her smile - a little quirky, like she always knew something no one else did.

We've been friends over a lifetime with an artist from the Indiana Dunes.  His son has been posting updates on his recent illness and his death this morning. It's been years since we spent time together, or even wrote. And yet we still consider him a friend. We mourn his passing and celebrate his life. We remember the long walks on the National Lakeshore, sitting in his living room playing music and laughing, watching him run his train set in the room dedicated to that narrow gauge Rocky Mountain railroad. His smile is etched in our memories: it always made you imagine you were part of something magical.

When I scroll over my list of friends on Facebook I see friends with whom we no longer have physical contact, friends we only know through Facebook, friends whose lives have diverged so far from ours as to have only marginal connections, and old friends who have passed in death, but whose names still appear. There is a feature on Facebook where you can actually turn a page into a memorial page, acknowledging that the person behind that profile is no longer living on this earth. Unless a profile is made into a memorial page, Facebook doesn't know that the person has passed. We do. The smile that their mention with an anniversary of some event brings to us is accompanied by a wistful feeling of how much we miss their immediate presence.

"But I always thought I'd see you sometime again ...." rings its truth to our daily lives. When you reach the age that most of the people you knew in your youth are no longer physically present on earth you may also realize that each encounter with a friend may be your last encounter with that friend. It's always true, even when you are young and immortal. The realization of that truth is what makes it so hard to said goodbye to children and grandchildren when visits are few and far between. A Facebook presence eases the pain of saying goodbye, but it can also serve as an excuse for abbreviating physical presence, and it is no substitute for one to one sharing of feeling - whether through a hug, laughter, tears, or a held hand.

The lesson in this trying time of COVID 19, where physical closeness is restricted, is that we need to treasure and savor those moments we are given, and not to fear letting the people around us who give us joy to know how much we appreciate that gift - and that it is a gift. And later, on facebook, or email, or a real letter, remind them of how much we value their friendship, their help, or merely their presence. 

It has often been said that the present is a gift. I am grateful for the memories of shared times, but I suspect that I am the only one who knows how much those times meant to me. I resolve to be better about saying "You make a difference for me. You make the world a better place." Because you do. Especially when you smile.

Happy Birthday, Sara Katharine Hoyt. RIP Dale Fleming.

   

Buckwheat sweet potato pancakes

Tonight's project was pancakes. So Sweet Potato pancakes it was.  They came out so well I had to post them to facebook and now I want to remember the recipe (more or less). So I took one rather large sweet potato and diced it up small. Cooked it until it was tender and allowed it to cool.  Then put it in the blender with two eggs, maybe a half cup of half and half, a couple tablespoons of sorghum and blended it together. Then added a half cup of buckwheat flour and a half cup of Bob's Mill one to one gluten free flour, a half teaspoon of salt and 2 teaspoons of baking powder. Blended it all together to make a nice pancake dough. Fried the pancakes at medium low temperature skillet in coconut oil.

I served them with a sauce of fried apples, sausage, butter and maple syrup.  

More about scones

Our pastor, Theda McBryde (Bethlehem Presbyterian Church), has asked for my scone recipe. If you're looking for a basic scone recipe you can go to my blog About Scones. And then come back here for the modifications!!

My recipes evolve over time. Generally speaking, I find a recipe I like and use it until it seems second nature. Then I basically use it, but I change it to accommodate the ingredients I have on hand, or some particular flavor I'm craving. So, what I'm saying is that my recipes are not firm ... they are more like guidelines. 

When I started using gluten free flour the scones came out pretty crumbly.  (Sometimes they still do!) I found the recipe for biscuits on the Bob's Mill 1 to 1 gluten free flour and tried that for scones. It worked well enough I have gone to using it as my guideline. (Now I can't find it.) So, basic ingredients:

2 1/2 c. flour
2 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
1 stick butter
2 eggs
1/2 cup buttermilk
1/4 cup sugar (optional)

Work the butter into the dry ingredients until it resembles cornmeal. To facilitate this process cut the butter in to 1/4" cubes before added it to the dry ingredients. You can also use frozen butter and grate it into the flour.

Thoroughly combine the eggs, buttermilk, and sugar. Add to the dry ingredients and mix. You can use your hands for this, but it will be sticky and you'll need to get it off your hands for the next step.

The Bob's Mill recipe gives a complicated method of using plastic wrap to handle the dough. My method follows:

Flour your hand so you can get half the dough in sort of a clump.

Transfer to a floured board and knead it a bit but not too much. Shape it into a circle about an inch thick. Using a floured knife, cut it into sixths or eighths, transfer to un-greased cookie sheet. Do the same with the remaining dough. Bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes.

I use sorghum instead of sugar. I use oat flour, buckwheat flour, or sorghum flour - usually half and half with the 1 to 1 flour. Different flours result in different flavor and texture. Sometimes I use sweet cream or half and half instead of buttermilk since I don't always have buttermilk. Then I would leave out the baking soda, and maybe use a bit more baking powder.  I think you could use applesauce instead of eggs and still get a nice scone.

I'm not precise with my measuring, and sometimes I need to add more flour or more liquid.